Feb 28, 2017

It's good looking

but takes forever.  This sampler would have been finished by now without this stitch.  Simple looking and easy to do but for some reason, very time consuming.  Could very well be because of my road map method.  If I had rhythm, a pattern to follow, maybe it would move along.  Regardless, not much more to do now.  I'm liking the one thread on 35 more and more, can't imagine what a mess I would have using two threads for a four sided stitch.   I was gifted a very nice laying tool and should use it along with railroading, but I get more reckless as time goes by.
 
 
Thank you for the kind words in your comments.  A review of my cousin Marcia's story that I had posted about over the years.

When visiting here, she would develop crushing pain in her chest for several minutes, so severe that she would stop her car and get out.  This went on for a few years, tests run, they said it was esophageal spasms.  She injured her toe and when leaving the hospital ER, she suffered a massive heart attack in the parking lot.  If elsewhere, she would not have survived.  Sextuple bypass was immediately done throughout the entire night.  Lots of rehab.  When healed, a hernia that developed from a prior surgery was taken care of, and once home and healing from that, she suffered a massive stroke from a clot.  Almost a year in a nursing home for rehab, still paralyzed on one side, unable to speak fluently, in a wheelchair, her family brought her back home.  Her husband was killed in Vietnam. Her 50 year old son lived with her, was unemployed, and cared for every one of her needs.  Shopping, cooking, cleaning, doctors, 24/7.  His 13 year old son by another idiotic woman who should not have children, also lived with him.  (After a year or two she would drop her children off at their fathers' homes with a note, never to see them again.)  He unfortunately was the one that found his father dead in the garage from an apparent heart attack this past weekend. She has lost her son and caregiver, along with her grandson.  The legal custody chain sends him back to another state once they find her.  Other family members work, no one is willing to give up life to take care of her 24/7, but maybe they could pull their resources and help pay for someone to do that.  Her siblings are very well off and I hope this is the decision.  She is beside herself with grief and also fear of leaving her home and rescue dog, which no one would take.  Many years ago, she also lost her 20 year old mentally challenged son to a car while riding his bike.  Insult to injury, she was denied a settlement from the driver's insurance because they told her being challenged as he was, his life had no monetary value.  Can you imagine telling a mother that?  Things have changed since then, I am sure.
 
So we are continually thinking of what she is going through.  He has been her rock and loving caregiver, her home is now empty, grandson's grief and future also taking a toll.
 
Brings up the question in our family which my sister continually mentions.  She refuses to leave her home and expects someone to care for her in it, if that situation should arise.  She doesn't have enough income to pay basic bills let alone a caregiver, neither does Marcia.  Carole started saying that Marcia's sister should do whatever it takes and move her into her home.  I told Carole that it is not right to expect someone to give up their life for another, regardless of how much they love them.   Silence.  "Well then just bring a gun and put me out of my misery."  I told her do NOT put me on a guilt trip, I gave up 8 years to care for my mother.  Carole didn't help me until mom was very bad, and I had to offer pay in order to get her here. 
So what would you do?  It's a tough situation that most families experience.  Helping is one thing, but constant care in home for years is another.  This isn't Hospice or end of life.  Marcia is 73 and in otherwise good health.  I may be selfish but I don't think I could do it.  I think of Francine and her loving sisters and family and know that they would not hesitate.  But me, I don't know.  Maybe if the situation would arise I would feel differently.  Probably would.  But I feel Carole is wrong in criticizing others, especially when she was not willing at all.  There are many reasons why some people are not comfortable with caregiving, or not willing, and no one should be condemned for them.  But we are hoping there will be a way to keep Marcia in home.
 
Well that was a way too long gut spill wasn't it?
 
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24 comments:

Janet said...

Care giving IS a difficult choice and one that should never be made based on being pushed into it for whatever reason by other family members. All options should be explored and discussed...( Just my two cents worth...Here in Canada we have excellent VON services, extramural nursing care and several other options.....Not all are free but many are adorable I wish you well as you make these hard decisions

Kristen said...

Oh Marly, I'm so sorry to hear of Marcia's troubles. I hope it can all be sorted out.

Janet said...

That should be affordable.....But maybe adorable fits too 😀

Truus said...

Marly what a big problem --nobody should be pushed into caring--not your own children or other family members.
Praying for Marcia that this problem will be solved.
Greetings,Truus from Holland

Heritage Hall said...

Oh Marly, what a dilemma to have to face; one which is becoming more and more evident in our society. Praying that a satisfactory solution can be found for
your Cousin and that the questions regarding Carole's eventual care will be resolved. Multi-generational households of former years just seemed to take such
care for granted.

capecodgirl565 said...

So sorry to hear of your cousin's misfortune, an awful lot to deal with for a person in excellent health and circumstances, let alone someone so compromised. I am not going to get on a political soapbox, but we are, as a nation, spending billions in resources for people who come here by illegal means, while people like your poor cousin are in such a precarious position. Seems totally upside and out of whack to me! Prayers that her issue will be resolved and that she will be well taken care of, and that God will help her come to terms with her grief and heartache.

Rugs and Pugs said...

My heart just breaks for Marcia and her grandson.
For as good as you are to Carole, she has no right to put you on a guilt trip!
Sending prayers,
Lauren

Theresa said...

So sad to hear all the news. I hope she finds someone to help out. Thinking of all of you's. Theresa

Ms Peppercorn said...

It sickens me to hear about Marcia. I deal with those damn esophageal spasms where the body actually mimics a heart attack. I'm glad you told Carol not to try to pull the guilt trip thing with you. After taking care of a parent, you are exempt from any other obligation.

Mary A said...

My sister, a physician, convinced our elderly parents to sell their home and follow her to her new practice in Durango, Colorado with the excuse that since she was a doctor, only she could take care of them. Once there, they were expected to babysit her two 160 lbs. Leonberger dogs. When they could no longer do that, she told me that I needed to take early retirement and move out there to help her. Fast forward to the present. My parents are gone and I know they are relieved to be away from her emotional abuse and I no longer have any contact with my sister. It took a lot of therapy for me to shed the guilt trip that she laid on me. But I am at peace now.

Barb said...

What a very difficult mess that is! I bought long term care insurance so my kids don't have to take care of me. I just would never want them saddled with that burden. It will be enough if they visit me and include me in family things if I am able.

C. M. Designs said...

All I can say is WHY some folks have to go through such horrendous situations in life. I'm sorry that your family is/has been going through a terrible time.
I know you love Carole, but she is a grown person and should have thought about having her care covered when/as she can't care for herself.
You have been so devoted and I guess she just expects it to continue.
Don't accept her putting you on a guilt trip.
Take care of your husband and yourself. That's all you can do.
Prayers !
Charlotte in Va.

Karen said...

It is more than one can bear to hear this. May peace come into your family at this time of great need and the hope of those who truly love you.

Mary said...

I think most families have this discussion. Carole going you the guilt trip is wrong. My husband has says NEVER put him in a home. Immediately that is a guilt trip in the making. Two of my Grandchildren say i can always live with them, no one has mentioned my husband though! I remind him of that often I always say to my children just remember if needed put me in the best assisted living place they can all afford. Fortunately my Mom lived alone until she was 98, fingers crossed for me. I remember when my son had foot surgery and could not get around I would buy and delivery his groceries he would always try to give me money I would say" remember this act of kindness when the time comes to pick a good assisted living place for me and laugh". You already do a lot of Carole, at some point you must remember not to run yourself down. Take care

The Eveningstitcher said...

Oh boy....such a sad, sad story. It seems that some people are destined in life to have a rough go...no matter what. As far as your sister...shame on her for trying to make you feel guilty...it seems you do quite a bit for her already. If she is of sound mind, and fairly good health..she should be making arrangements for her care herself...not depending on the generosity of others and surely not trying to "guilt" you into taking care of her. At some point in our lives, we do have to think of ourselves and our spouses. Helping is one thing...but having your whole life consumed is another...God Bless you, Marly....this is a tough one...

Shelly said...

I hear you! I'm uncomfortable with caregiving myself. What a hard, hard decision to make. We took care of my mother when she had terminal cancer but came to find out we couldn't do it ourselves. We should have had someone come in to do the nursing kind of duties. Sounds like Marcia has had a rough time of it and to lose her son/caregiver, what a heartbreaker! I think we can all say that you have been there for your sister time and time again, and you can be proud of that.

StitchinByTheLake said...

Family dynamics - who can figure them out. When my parents got sick (they lived with my sister) I quit my job, retired early actually, and my sister quit hers and we stayed home to care for them for a year. We knew there was a time limit because of my mother's illness so we knew it wouldn't be an unknown time frame, which as hard as it is, helps to make that decision. One of my brothers came for a month, left, came back months and months later for a few days and kept saying I just can't do it. My other brother came more often, maybe 4 or 5 times, but felt helpless to take care of mother's personal needs. If someone had asked me ahead of time I would have said I couldn't do it either, but when the rubber meets the road you do what is necessary. I don't regret a day. On the other hand, that was my mother and my faith teaches that you honor your parents in all things. I think I would do the same thing for my siblings but am I fooling myself? I don't know. I do know that you do what you can with your whole heart and what you can't do, you let go of. It's Ash Wednesday - we should all give up guilt for Lent because it just tears us down and fixes nothing. May God make clear to you what your path is and open the way to walk it - and may He wash away any guilt you might feel for not being able to be all things to all people. Take care of you first because you can't take care of anyone else if you don't. blessings, marlene

Jean Bee said...

For lots of reasons, don't do it. I'm in a fairly similar situation so am speaking from experience. Do not feel guilty.......she needs to make plans for her care. Don't mean to sound like a hardass.....speaking from experience.

Krissy B. said...

Oh! Marly! It all sounds overwhelming. My heart bleeds for that poor woman.You have a big, huge, gigantic heart and your sister is damn lucky for it. She knows she can sluff with her own life and everyone else's because you have, do, will always take care of what ever it is at the moment.I hope someone is spoiling you a bit and taking care of you when you need it.You deserve the best! Big hugs!

Winnie Nielsen said...

Marly, this is indeed a very sad story that is full of so much need and desperation on several fronts. I hope and pray that family members will gather and come up with a workable solution to help Marcia. It is a difficult spot to face and deal with . I hope reasonable and caring minds will prevail. It will take a lot of looking at many options and finances to come up with a good solution. Best of luck with you in these hard days and sending you extra support from way down here in Florida for wisdom and help. Good luck and keep us posted on what happens.

Dixie said...

It is not selfish to make your own care and happiness a priority--it's a necessity! This is true for Carole too.

TheCrankyCrow said...

Wow.... I am truly sorry for Marcia's predicament...life can really be unfair and cruel. As for the caregiving dilemma...hmmmm....I think it epitomizes the upheaval that is occurring as our society and culture transitions from the multi-generational family to "something else"...and the result can be a s*&%load of guilt. As you know, my mother is in assisted living...my younger brother and I did what we could as long as we could to allow her to remain in her own home....Many complications and dysfunctional family issues later, the time came when that was no longer possible. I did...and continue to...struggle with the issue of bringing her into my home to care for her. I did not do it at the time for selfish reasons...our home was not set up for her care or safety (no walk in shower, multi-levels, etc.) that would take a fortune to rectify...but, more importantly, my immediate family was not stable/strong enough at that time to withstand that extra challenge....And, I could not, in good conscious, sacrifice my son or more husband to do it. I also know that it would not have been in my mom's best interest because I would have become resentful and impatient (she has dementia). In hindsight, it was probably the best decision because, physically, I could not do what I would need to do for her care...and, in the end, it would not have made her happy because it wouldn't have been HER home, which is where she wanted to be. Anywho...that helps you probably not at all...but, I think what I'm trying to say is, the decision to care for another in that manner is very personal...and what may be right or do-able for one person, isn't for another. I love my mum to pieces...but that just would not have been the right decision for me...or her. But the guilt? Oh yeah...it's still there...and always will be. Wishing you peace in your decision process.... Hugs ~ Robin (I meet your gut spill and up you a guilt trip LOL)

Anonymous said...

Wow, Marcia's situation is sad. And her grandson's situation is even sadder. It makes me think that even if we think all the bases are covered, a backup plan would be wise. Not that we ever plan to outlive our children.

And the ornery side of me would tell Carole "OK, as you wish" if that was tried on me. And on a really ornery day, I'd be asking if she wanted to see it coming or not. Not that I'd ever really do the deed, but maybe it might make her realize that saying such things are not conductive to finding a real solution.

Dad took care of Mom for the last couple of years of her life, I don't know that I could do the same for him if time ever comes. I think I could do it physically, it's more the dealing with his personality that would be tough. But as others said, until it hits for real, we don't often know what we can or will do.

deb said...

Oh, Marly... I'm sad for Marcia and for her grandson, and I'm sad for you that you'll at a minimum be involved in trying to find a solution. Family health problems are so hard, especially when sisters/brothers/cousins/nieces disagree. And please don't accept the guilt Carole's trying to load onto you.

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