Uncle

 What is the point at which you set a project aside or give in?  I think I learned something about my impatience regarding needlework.  Or maybe not.  But I always prefer to believe I am right.

This small sampler whose body is letters, motifs only at the top, should be quite easy and relaxing.  It is anything but.  So I took the time to examine why I have made so many errors in a tiny space, third time on one motif and it's not even completed.  Never before considered how my attitude and mood related to a project.  Supposedly a relaxing stress reducer, sitting quietly, maybe listening to music or a book.  Not at all if my stress level, anxiety, sadness, anger, worry, fear, or hunger is cluttering the back of my brain whether conscious of it or not.  For me, maybe not for you.  Concentrating on color changes for small areas and motifs requiring focus cannot happen, cannot calm me, cannot erase deep seated thoughts.  Right now, I need minimal color changes, letters, verse, recognized repetitive patterns, simple motifs without wandering stitches.  

I had to change thread colors as always to be noticed on this linen color and once again, struggled testing lighter shades that never satisfy.  Seven different beige and yellows were not working and I told Mark to hide the lighter.  Cannot.  Even though the majority will be few colors of eyelet stitches, my frustration with the top motifs have turned me against continuing.  Using a single strand on 32 is not my favorite and two was very heavy and awkward.  So I am moving on.  I need something familiar and consistent.

Is there a point that makes you say Uncle?  Is it continual errors?  Too many thread changes?  What does it?  Do you think your frame of mind or current issues interfere with how you stitch?  Or does needlework take you away from it all?

**************************

Email questions and answers

 Hi folks.  Received several emails about products and suggestions regarding my condition.  If you aren't interested in Sjogren syndrome details, or in need of any good products to help with your dryness, no reason to read this post because stitching is not included.

 Part of my anxiety and depression since the first lung diagnosis, is related to dealing with this condition.  It may not continue to invade other organs, or it may.  Lungs are often involved which is one of my unanswered questions regarding my current problem.  But even if it doesn't, this is what I have to deal with every day, forever.  Sometimes, although not even close to health issues of others, I just can't handle it.  And this is one of those times. Is this a temporary or treatable condition?  No.  Does it ever go into remission?  Rarely.  Are there medications to increase saliva?  Yes.  Do they create other organ problems?  Yes.  Will I ever consent to another flu shot?  Never.  Can I receive the Covid vaccine?  Unfortunately no.  Am I looking for sympathy?  Hell no.  Just offering one of many reasons for being a crabass, and answering some queries.

I have tried every single dry eye product on the market from $8 to $18.  Because I need to add every 15 minutes, Similasan is the best and even used with contacts.  Homeopathic and not China made, glass bottle.  I need several bottles a week and they are (thankfully) the cheapest at less than $10.   The applicator is a long clear tube making it the easiest of any to administer.  Restasis was useless, Xiidra samples helped but at almost $600 a month and not covered by Part D, out of the question.  Friends on retiree plans from the government would pay $15 and offered to try to get them, but I can't allow that.

Dry mouth (lips) caused from destruction of salivary and other glands, is not the dry mouth you wake up with.  Your mouth feels like it's glued, your teeth feel coated and filthy in need of brushing, your tongue is full of deep fissures and constantly burning.  What you feel when that hot cheese on the pizza slides off and burns your tongue, is 24/7, every day.  Eating is no longer enjoyable regardless of the food.  Everything that touches my tongue creates a more intense burn except for watermelon and ice cream.   Salad dressing, fruits (even apples), some veggies, carbonation, chocolate (!!!!!), condiments, my beloved spaghetti sauce, and so much more is off limits.  I will never give up pasta so I have a product that contains Lidocaine and coating my tongue before eating is necessary.  Cheese, bread, and soft products adhere to my cheeks, teeth, and even with water just don't release.  Water does not have the properties of saliva, but I can't swallow without liquid.  Anything harder turns into what feels like a dried up cotton ball.  

The products I found to be the best are shown.  Xyligel is soft slime and the best, applied several times throughout the night.  Not good for daytime because it is not clear and quite disgusting if you're talking to someone.  During the day, Biotene (clear) is used but burns a little.  The GUM Hydral really burns and I won't be purchasing it again.  Relief lasts for less than 30 minutes.  Usually 4 tubes a week are used.  The discs and lozenges are not used ever since one dislodged and went to the back of my throat in a store.  

My lips, which stick to my front teeth, are unbearable and feel like burned leather.  Using Aquaphor and other mostly petroleum products creates a rash around the edges.  Chap stick type products including O'Keefe's guaranteed to last all day stick, do nothing.  When the glands are dead, there is no moisture at all inside, no external product can help restore moisture.  I looked into the plasma injections but the doctor said the increased platelets would eventually die.  Lip injections/fillers would help appearance, but quickly be absorbed.  And hurt.  And cost a lost.  Hyaluronic acid attracts moisture and since there is none, those injections would also be futile.  For night and throughout the day, the Cerave healing ointment does help with the splits and was my dermatologist's recommendation.  A product I found online (Ulta has it also) is in the men's line of Jack Black products, Intense Therapy lip balm ($8).  This is the only topical that soothes without feeling heavy.

So there you have it.  I hope it explains why products are only temporary soothers.  I must mention that a wonderful stitching bud sent a large package of treats and they are the best hard candy I've ever had.   Between cheek and gum, very enjoyable!!  These two treats are now on my Amazon list.  Thank you so much Ann!!

Hope your weekend is enjoyable!!

*****************************

Ding dong

 Nope.  Not ringing my bell.  If I find a smaller red, I'll change them.  If not, I'll paint wooden star buttons red which would lay flat. When I tried to sew into a little pillow, the bells just didn't work.  But since the scallops were sewn four times until I got it right, they're staying.  After two attempts, I added the backstitch beneath so I can count accurately.  Nah-uh.  I continually started counting "two" on the first thread.  The first thread was four!  Didn't realize until the very last scallop that it all had to be moved again.  And this is the last time you'll have to look at this finish.

I started the new sampler and had to change fabric since I measured incorrectly, the piece was too short.  Have you seen Kathy Barrick's new charts on IG?  So what do we do about this Expo thingy?  Will the charts be offered on their Etsy sites?  Or do we request from our favorite places to order?

We had a really bad situation with Bud last night.  Emergencies always happen late don't they?  He is better today, even ate a little.  We gave him half of a Valium to sedate him, thinking we would be taking a ride to an out of town ER vet.  It calmed him, gave him an appetite to down two cans of food without a care about the mouth pain.  He is still sleeping comfortably today.  We'll see what the weekend brings.  Monday I have two appts, Mark too, and then home to get Carole and take her to hers.  Day by day.

I have decided to look for a reputable acupuncturist to see if it can help Sjogrens.  At least reduce the progression.  Here's my lips on a GOOD day, after the flaking skin came off and Neosporin helped the splits.  Nice, huh? 

Carole is very upset about two friends' situations, very sad.  She is getting her second Covid shot tomorrow.  Don't you get tired of my unpleasant habit of mentioning health crap?  Sorry. 

Hey!! 40% off coupon at Hobby Lobby ends forever in two days.  

Have a good weekend.

*******************************

Color

Hi folks.  I had a request for colors used in the little sampler.  I never put floss back in the chest, but this time, did.  I do remember a few, all DMC.

The border and stag was 869

Roof 869 and 3031 

Lighter brown in motifs 167

Apples and red in motifs 22

House GAST close to 3858

Crown and door 729

Lighter green 3012

Darker green 3051

White

You can't see the motifs with light thread in the chart photo which is why I needed to change.  Very few adjustments to motifs except for the white ones.

Thinking of stitching a scallop at the top and adding little red bells for more Christmas color.

I requested an appt with the pulmonologist again today.  Nothing.  Sorry I changed docs.  Needless to say I am not as anxious but still enough to affect sleep and focus.  I don't want a large project and chose two samplers, hope to pull linen tomorrow.  EB 8looks larger than it is when stitched.

Stay safe!

**************

Christmas Sampler

Ewe & Eye

 Posting to IG, chart photo and my finish.  On 36 count, 4" x 3.75".  Sweet!

Enjoy your day.

*****************

Simplify

 Hi folks.  First off, I didn't mean to complain about those ocular issues.  I've had them before, this was the first kaleidoscope and quite fascinating.  Painless and fairly brief, I just wanted to mention this common disturbance, maybe avoid a panic if you experience one for the first time.  

So the little Ewe & Eye is on the verge of completion, changes galore.  I had a little difficulty in interpreting the instructions for some of the smaller motifs.  So I chose my own stitch and color, even position in a few cases.  A little project like this has so many possibilities for personalization (changes to hide errors).  The design has a sawtooth top border and several rows of stitches at the bottom.  Nope.  A single row will outline, maybe a double.  So much going on in the body, I think a simple outline would be much better.   

No idea what's next.  Maybe a book.  Reading, not writing.  I'm not doing much at all (except napping), and don't really have anything kitted other than two big girls.  Am I really ready for another large sampler?  Nope.

I don't like to pry or intrude, but I had a comment left a few weeks ago from Unknown, and it's been bothering me.  Their young niece was diagnosed with stage 4 lung, waiting for additional tests, and she has been on my mind.  I can't imagine, and if that was your niece, I am so hoping that tests showed treatments are available.

Stay safe everyone.  

**********************

Kaleidoscope Vision?

 Yes there is such a thing and it can scare the bejeebers out of you.  One of many disturbances called ocular migraines that may or not accompany headaches.  They usually disappear within 30 minutes.  The one I just experienced looked like a C-shaped kaleidoscope and is already increasing in size, ready to leave.  Whew.  

My Covid antibody test also came back negative, I am trying to get in to one of the two pulmonologists here for a talk.  The PA of my PCP office scheduled an appointment for two weeks.  Maybe because I have an autoimmune, my system would not create antibodies since it's too busy attacking me.

I have changed colors (big surprise) and also where they go.  This fabric was self dyed and it's very close to Winter Brew.  As always, the light threads do not show well enough for me, even using white.  When the stitches on 36 or 40 are so small, they get lost.  I need to come up with something for those motifs but haven't as yet.  Already two shades of green, two of brown, two reds, one gold that isn't bold enough.  

Snowflakes will be double thread of white, and as I'm typing this, 3790 or 3021 is popping into my head for a few of the motifs.  Very dark, but might be a good alternative.  I already darkened the stag with the archival ink, but if a very dark gray/brown is added to this design, I think I will remove and stitch him again. 

The wagon wheels are different than eyelet because they are outlined with full stitches except for the corners.  These are three stitches high inside so the spokes are not over two. 

Bud is still enjoying the attention he's getting, but we may have to make a decision soon.  He is so thin and we've tried everything.

Have a good day.

Stay safe.

***********************

Wagon wheels

Everyone OK?  Safe, warm, healthy?  Balding and bitchy?  It's all good.  Especially when you order new gutchies (big girl panties).   Could it be a year of staying home, or the fact that I'm older and boring, maybe the lack of shopping in person, that results in underwear bringing excitement to my life?  Nope.  It's the simple things, the comfort you feel when nothing is binding, riding, or digging.  And coughing until you choke requires extra pairs.  My front loading washer is huge and small loads don't move.  Would be wonderful if I needed new because I lost fifteen pounds.  Thirteen.  A little over ten.  Losing your appetite will certainly change the scale.  But then your mood lifts, you have a few meals, and there ya go.  Those pounds are back before the food hits your stomach.  

So what's that have to do with wagon wheels?  Not a damn thing.  But as I struggled after removing more floss than adding it, my satin stitched apples (?) were horrible.  I tried various stitches, but then decided to just find the center and go round, like an uneven overgrown eyelet.  I am really pleased with the result.  Using the same color as the house was quite boring so I changed to a brighter red.

Sweet!!

Have a good day and stay safe!!

***********************

Snow, sleet, rain, ice

Be careful!!   The white crap is treacherous tonight!  Got our meds, another Covid test, a full freezer, and we'll be safe for a few days.

The name attached to the number drawn was Carolyn CHM.  Please contact me with your preference of shop and we'll get that GC taken care of!  Thanks everyone.  As soon as I get my clearance of second Covid negative, I will offer the berry chart.  I've been ill since Christmas so I believe the virus has left me (with pneumonia!).

No stitching to show.  Why?  You can't believe the number of mistakes!  It looks to be aligned properly now so I can move on as soon as the eyes cooperate.  Surely won't be leaving the house!  Tomorrow will be a nalesniki day, one batch cheese and one batch jelly.

Stay safe everyone!  

******************

Not all questions have answers, but we have a giveaway!

THANK YOU AGAIN FOR THE UPLIFTING AND MEANINGFUL COMMENTS!!

 Saturday.  No doctor visits, no tests today, trying to relax.  I have to say it is not easy.  There are times when ridding your mind of doubts should come easily, but do not.   Weeks of despair don't disappear overnight, unanswered questions and lack of confidence in information remain.  Normal I suppose.  But I won't feel safe in this retraction until I have blood proof that Covid is the cause.  Are they sure that it is not the beginning of IPF?  Am I being foolish?  Cautious?  Skeptical?   Why didn't a doctor (not the office staff) speak with me about what to expect?  Is this lung involvement at the end of the virus?  Start?  Does it matter?  Are the ground glass particles what fill with fluid quickly and become threatening as we so often hear?  Should I be looking for symptoms?  Should I be quarantined if I am to be tested again?  No one said Mark should be.  As one crisis seemed to resolve, should I be nonchalant about the lesser?   I thought the shaky and breathless mornings were from anxiety, but continued today.  I feel someone should be offering answers and at the very least, informing me of changes or symptoms to be wary of.  So as the fog is lifting, the questions keep coming.

Holding a needle is still tricky, a steady hand has not returned.  I managed to start Ewe & Eye's Christmas Sampler and already need to modify since I am two rows wider.  No big deal.  Changed the roof color to brown instead of green, and should have chosen a darker brown for the stag.  No big deal #2.  Easy fix.  Ranger brand archival ink to the rescue.  I just test on a cloth and very lightly brush the top of the already stitched threads to slightly darken and shade.  I use an artist's small flat angled brush for excellent control.

 My giveaway was to be an Erica Michael A&E large berry chart I recently purchased. but even though I test negative, I'm sure many of you may not be comfortable receiving it.  I use an aerosol spray (carefully as ink runs) and wipe the plastic bags for anything I mail, also for packages delivered to me.  But I understand it may limit participation ..... so ..... something not from my home would be best.  Twenty dollar gift certificate.  I love 123stitch, but as long as you verify that your shop choice offers GCs, you can choose.   Monday evening at 8pm EST, Random will put a smile on someone's face.  Leave your initials in your comment if anonymous to enter or enter by email.

Samplersandsantas@gmail.com

I hope your weekend is a good one as we crawl towards spring.

Stay safe!!

**********************

Holy shit

It is with absolute joy that I report on the failure of my local doctors, hospitals, PAs, NPs that continued to deny this lung problem could be from Covid whenever I asked.   But it IS!!!  This  morning's CT scan by my request showed it is NOT IPF!!  I have groups of tiny glasslike particles in one lung as a result of Covid pneumonia, not definitive on an xray, yet a single xray is all this diagnosis was based on.  Being tested again, put on another round of antibiotics, told that they are not quite certain, but it does seem to be the cause of my cough and ill health.  And regardless of the hell they put me through, I am grateful.  

I am so sorry for the prior post.  The pros were so positive of IPF and I have been in a panic for weeks, and if I hadn't demanded a CT scan which they claimed was not necessary, we would continue believing the devastating diagnosis.

We're having a party baby!!  I'm picking out a few charts and gifts for the celebration.  Feeling poorly will in no way stop the exuberance and joy.  But If they call back to tell me another error was made, you should be able to hear the blast wherever you are.

THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH.  YOUR COMMENTS BROUGHT TEARS TO MY DRY EYES AND I SAVED THEM IN A FILE, CLOSE TO MY HEART.

You have no idea how you've touched me.

The bitch is back baby!!!

p.s. to Sweet Ann. Card was already mailed, ignore the part about the wallet's return!!

******************

It is what it is

 
Introduction

IPF is a rare, incurable disease of the respiratory system during which fibrotic tissue and scars appear in the lungs. It leads to death within 2–5 years after the diagnosis.

***********************

I have much to do.  Finish projects in order to sell the house, empty it, find another for Mark, accept leaving this good earth gasping for air, and deal with guilt of leaving Mark alone.  But I cannot.  I am stiff, but want to run.  I am shaking, but want to rest.  My voice is a mere whisper, but I want to scream.  I want answers, but there is no one to ask.  I don't think I will ever accept this.  The days of watching my father suffocate for two weeks with anxiety levels as high as the sky, and my sister calling 24/7 for months as she gasped for air, have never left, and now it will be my turn. 

I have been offered nothing to calm me, lost fifteen pounds in two weeks, have not slept.  No medication for fibrosis that allows more breath, will have to carry oxygen. and the final function tests are not scheduled for five weeks.  That's how long it took to go from no problem to breathless, so I am calling Cleveland and Pittsburgh recommendations, hoping to be seen sooner.  My rheumatologist for Sjogrens (which may be the cause), primary care, and cardiologist act like time doesn't matter, and it may not if there is no real treatment.  If any trials or experimental drugs offer hope, it will of course take our retirement fund for drugs because Medicare plans cover nothing.  Irrelevant.

So my dear sweet stitching pals and blogging buddies, I don't have the focus or mindset to continue.  Lots of linen and charts and samplers to offer, maybe when I find peace, I can come back for that.

 Thank you for your friendship over the last ten years.  I can't begin to explain how enjoyable, enlightening, inspiring, and better my life has been with you in it.

Love you. 

God bless.

********************

1807 Elizabeth Clayton

by HandWork Samplers

with modifications

I appreciate and thank you all for your caring and kind comments.

*******************

A break

 Hi folks.  I am not one to handle bad news well.  Never have been. 

When I visited the ER in November, I had a chest x-ray, all was good.  Less than two months later, and coinciding with the Sjogren worsening,  I have bad news with both the top and bottom areas of my lungs which is why I am losing my breath.  If this could develop to this degree so fast, where am I headed?

Taking a break.  A photo of stitching progress many show up, but I really don't want to relay my fears or anger, and this will consume my thoughts for a while.  Additional tests are coming, but damage has already started and affected me in this short time.  

Thanks for your concern and friendship, I'll update when I can be an adult and face this as so many of you have done with your own crises.

Love you all.

***********************

Velvet top

While throwing things in my sewing room, I came upon a protected pile of really nice small stitcheries looking for a permanent display.  One was EF 1837 with a lot of pinks.  Many beautifully finished drums with velvet tops have been gracing posts on IG with velvet tops so I may give it a go.  I found three velvets in pinks, of the three, the middle is least liked.  Showing both sides.

I had my xray today but the new doctor thinks it is interstitial lung disease from Sjogrens and a CT scan will be ordered for confirmation.  I am still hoping they are wrong but it doesn't seem so.  My doctor of twenty years will no longer see me since I visited another doctor.  I was thinking of a change but did not know that one visit to see if we connect would be reason for my original doctor to throw me off a cliff.  "Once you leave the practice, we unfortunately will not take you back".  EVER.  I guess one visit means I left without even telling them.  

So I'm going to be in a rotten funk this weekend.  ...............  What day is this?  Oh wait, January is still displayed.  February 2 is not on a weekend.  Doesn't matter, funk knows no days.

***********************