It is what it is

 
Introduction

IPF is a rare, incurable disease of the respiratory system during which fibrotic tissue and scars appear in the lungs. It leads to death within 2–5 years after the diagnosis.

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I have much to do.  Finish projects in order to sell the house, empty it, find another for Mark, accept leaving this good earth gasping for air, and deal with guilt of leaving Mark alone.  But I cannot.  I am stiff, but want to run.  I am shaking, but want to rest.  My voice is a mere whisper, but I want to scream.  I want answers, but there is no one to ask.  I don't think I will ever accept this.  The days of watching my father suffocate for two weeks with anxiety levels as high as the sky, and my sister calling 24/7 for months as she gasped for air, have never left, and now it will be my turn. 

I have been offered nothing to calm me, lost fifteen pounds in two weeks, have not slept.  No medication for fibrosis that allows more breath, will have to carry oxygen. and the final function tests are not scheduled for five weeks.  That's how long it took to go from no problem to breathless, so I am calling Cleveland and Pittsburgh recommendations, hoping to be seen sooner.  My rheumatologist for Sjogrens (which may be the cause), primary care, and cardiologist act like time doesn't matter, and it may not if there is no real treatment.  If any trials or experimental drugs offer hope, it will of course take our retirement fund for drugs because Medicare plans cover nothing.  Irrelevant.

So my dear sweet stitching pals and blogging buddies, I don't have the focus or mindset to continue.  Lots of linen and charts and samplers to offer, maybe when I find peace, I can come back for that.

 Thank you for your friendship over the last ten years.  I can't begin to explain how enjoyable, enlightening, inspiring, and better my life has been with you in it.

Love you. 

God bless.

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1807 Elizabeth Clayton

by HandWork Samplers

with modifications

I appreciate and thank you all for your caring and kind comments.

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A break

 Hi folks.  I am not one to handle bad news well.  Never have been. 

When I visited the ER in November, I had a chest x-ray, all was good.  Less than two months later, and coinciding with the Sjogren worsening,  I have bad news with both the top and bottom areas of my lungs which is why I am losing my breath.  If this could develop to this degree so fast, where am I headed?

Taking a break.  A photo of stitching progress many show up, but I really don't want to relay my fears or anger, and this will consume my thoughts for a while.  Additional tests are coming, but damage has already started and affected me in this short time.  

Thanks for your concern and friendship, I'll update when I can be an adult and face this as so many of you have done with your own crises.

Love you all.

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Velvet top

While throwing things in my sewing room, I came upon a protected pile of really nice small stitcheries looking for a permanent display.  One was EF 1837 with a lot of pinks.  Many beautifully finished drums with velvet tops have been gracing posts on IG with velvet tops so I may give it a go.  I found three velvets in pinks, of the three, the middle is least liked.  Showing both sides.

I had my xray today but the new doctor thinks it is interstitial lung disease from Sjogrens and a CT scan will be ordered for confirmation.  I am still hoping they are wrong but it doesn't seem so.  My doctor of twenty years will no longer see me since I visited another doctor.  I was thinking of a change but did not know that one visit to see if we connect would be reason for my original doctor to throw me off a cliff.  "Once you leave the practice, we unfortunately will not take you back".  EVER.  I guess one visit means I left without even telling them.  

So I'm going to be in a rotten funk this weekend.  ...............  What day is this?  Oh wait, January is still displayed.  February 2 is not on a weekend.  Doesn't matter, funk knows no days.

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Another pause

 I've been struggling, managing, but today there is no drop or gel that is allowing my eyes the slightest relief.  Almost completed the tree, I chose DMC 22 for the berries/apples, but the rest will have to wait.  Of course the errors I chose not to correct have trickled down, but wonky branches and long legged figures hide them well.  

I appreciate all the suggestions and information you've been offering for Budman.  The other vet is just so swamped with patients and does surgeries two days a week.  They may allow a visit on one of those days, and are trying to squeeze him in.  He is still losing, sometimes succeeding in eating soft pate food, and believing he remains ruler of the brat pack.  The vet warned us of the pain and suffering that could come quickly with a failing heart.  I certainly do not want this, and Bud deserves to leave in peace.  Several times we witnessed him going in tight circles, seeming as if he is confused which the vet said may be small strokes.  Another one today, so we need to have a realistic conversation with both vets.

I hope you had a nice end to January. 

 Seeing any winter month leave is a cause for celebration.

Thanks for visiting.

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Crab(gr)ass. Boom.

Done!  Time to move back into the body and finish this gal.

Because of my thread tension missteps, this section would have been obviously skewed if I didn't use the two direction method.   Just look at how nicely this lays without pressing or manipulating.

And I've showed the back before, but you can see how the stitches make a grid that really stabilizes the linen. 

 I explained the situation and was scheduled for a filling, but that didn't happen at my dental visit, over a $100 for him to look at it.  He told me to make an appointment and gave me the estimate of $364.  I'm not in pain until brushing or sweets hit it.  Is the pain worth a second bath of fritters?  You bet your sweet apple it is.  Mom's recipe is very simple. A few drops of milk can be added if batter is too thick.

1 egg

1/3 cup milk

1 tsp oil

3/4 cup flour

2 Tbsp sugar

1 tsp baking powder

Slice cored apples into rings or wedges, dip in batter, fry in a little oil (not too hot)

Dust with powdered sugar.

Devour.

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