Annabelle

 

Obviously more tasty than Limelight.  You would think a hydrangea is a hydrangea, but just like corn, it may look the same while growing but be very different.   

Right next to Annabelle, the Limelight never loses a leaf, year after year.

Nothing good right now in Cleveland and we may be making a trip this afternoon.

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Back then

 Brings a tear to my eye to see the sadness in mom's.

Found while searching through old documents to apply for aid.

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Before I know it

 it will be Christmas.  My cardiologist made a follow up appt for me in six months and it's right before Christmas!  That smacked me across the forehead.  Just as turning 70 next week will.  

 My PTP fabric was in stock when I ordered by not when it shipped so this is what I got in the mail.  My older piece of Aztec Red is darker, more red than orange.

So after Carole goes through upper and lower GI testing Thursday and any issues found resolved during, she may be coming back this weekend.  In a month, she will schedule surgery for amputation.  They all agree that even though blood flow was restored, well, I'm not a vascular doctor and don't understand.  They said she is too ill with her weak heart and other problems to correct the right, but OK to do major surgery?  There will be many many many future trips to see docs there and we're hoping the right will not need to be removed also.  If they would not have waited so long for the left, it would have been saved.  I hope that is not the case with the right but they refuse to attempt, even with her request. Today's nurse asked why I'm not visiting.  Well, I can't pull off the road every 15 minutes to add drops to my eyes during an almost two hour drive, the ER visit before transfer to CC caused a problem because they could not calm her down after I left, and if not in danger I would prefer to spend the few thousand for the hotel room during the surgery. 

 I've had so much spam including porn come to me with my gmail that is linked to my blog, nothing on my other email addresses so it is from Google.  At the same time there was also $430 to GoFundMe ???? and several subscription services around $20 a month that I never ordered on the card I use online, had to close my credit cards.  I won't mention who GoFundMe was for but I can say a hateful non worthy cause.  All fraud charges were refunded, but when it's coming from several sources, no choice but to shut it down.

I hope your week started swell.

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OXY moron

 Please don't mistake my frustration and rants as all caused by medical pros.  These hospitals are some of the best in the country, but short staffing with full capacity is tough for them to deal with.  And we've encountered the same issues time and time again.  Except for three nurses who went over her entire chart and understood her agony because of it.  Not all do, not all think it's necessary as they treat the current issue, not all have the time.  Listening for months to her sobbing and begging for help weakens us, rubs us raw, and any additional issue needing resolution makes us bleed a little more.  

I just got another call from her frustrated nurse, to reason with Carole. She said the doctor thinks she can handle a 300 mg dose of gaba every 6 hours (higher than ever), Tylenol between.  And we all learned something.  The delirium of mammoth proportion caused her to not realize the pain she was in without drugs.  Prior sobbing was for help and of fear, last night was of pain.  The delirium was slowly leaving and making her more aware, probably why pain meds weren't considered since she never complained.  Late morning, she was still on a naval vessel with her crew (yesterday on a bike at Eagle Point), but could converse and joke.  And then .... this last call was because reality returned and demanded OXY.  And when trying to trick her into believing that was not her usual drug, crystal clear dosage, days, location, frequency, spewed from that sailor's mouth.  I guess the vessel has docked and the crew disembarked.  Isn't that amazing?  Elderly need opioids to allow better quality of life, but she was in rehab expecting more surgery, and this may be a problem detoxing in the next few days.  She claims this large dose of the gaba is not working at all but the OXY will.  Now I have to wonder if she should return there after Cleveland.  The facility offered excellent therapy, beautiful building and grounds, but did not honor our request to use another drug and not allow additional doses when asked.

 The transfer to main campus is in the works as of 4 pm, the meds are handled, and I was quite impressed with Carole's lucid response to that doctor.  She said she has gone through hell for months, surgery, therapy, pain, necrosis, immobility.  He is wrong if he thinks it was all for naught and he can take her leg, she's not giving up just yet.  Exactly.  Unless your life is in jeopardy, give yourself a chance to improve.

So I just wanted to explain that yes, there are many things that should and could be handled differently, but I am so expended after months of stress and anguish for what she has endured, that I am at the end of my tolerance level.  Some incidents and decisions I will not forgive, but I can't change.  And if they are being truthful, she will go back to the main hospital and I'll stay at the hotel, and we can get answers now, not wait another month.  Even if not treated this week, knowing what to expect and when will make a huge difference.  And in my extensive research on this disease, procedures, and outcomes, I found an interesting treatment to save limbs at University Hospital down the road from the Clinic.  Whether she would be a candidate, we don't know, but may schedule a consult if we have no other options.

So please forgive my meltdowns, they don't belong on a stitching blog.  I said I wasn't going to keep mentioning this but dammit, it's consumed my life for months and taken over.  I hope to do a little stitching tonight, I'm sure there will be calls asking why she can't get the OXY and nothing else is working, but at least she is back on earth.  And docked.  I will pack a project or two to take if they decide to proceed and there is a ridiculously expensive room for me.  And maybe I can catch up on all of you.  Haven't read blogs or much for months, and I'm hoping there were no heartbreaks or troubles for anyone in that time.  

Good night!!

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Resilience

My favorite Blue Angel hostas can handle a deluge and have it disperse to small beads beautifully reflecting light, not entering the leaf to weaken it, pull it down, bend its supporting stem.  This morning after the storm, protected and unaffected by the water, I feel saturated to my core, my legs soggy, my insides limp.  Not from hours of tears that I cannot produce, but the emotion that causes them.

The phone calls yesterday were continuous, and with hospital delirium the worst anyone has experienced, extremely unnerving.  I actually hung up on her twice, she was threatening me and sounded like Linda Blair in the Exorcist.  Really.  A half hour later she was crying asking for help because she is alone and doesn't know what's happening.  All during the night unable to handle the pain and afraid to sleep because of the visions.  Thank you medical profession for realizing that patients needing help to handle their own situational anxiety and prevent stress related damage, are not worth a few .5 Ativan a week.  Thank you for assuming that being responsible my entire life will create an addict on a minute dose during those extremely upsetting days, or allow me to get a few hours of rest.  Fifteen pills in 60 days, and I can't get a refill.  

She is not being transferred to the main campus on Euclid, they will release her with another damaging move back to a nursing home and make an appointment to see another doctor in a month.  She had this ambulance transport move five times in four days, five different buildings, five different rooms.  Two can bring on this type of delirium in elderly patients.  It doesn't matter how many times you ask, beg, demand, explain that she is there, treat the leg, END THIS, don't make her wait another month in agony.  If you can't, say so. How Carole at 82 has held up with this bedridden agony for almost four months is astonishing.  And those months have continued destroying tissue and nerves, probably resulting in amputation that would not have been necessary if treated before advancing.  Not to mention the enormous inflammation and stress on a very weak heart. I am at my end.

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Just had another call, spoke with the nurse.  Are you f-ing kidding me?  I faxed the leg testing that CLEVELAND ordered to be done here, full results and diagrams, they were in her chart.  Today they planned on pressure cuffing and pressing the probe on those damaged legs again!  I asked why the test results CC ordered here were not being used.  "What tests?"  Look at her c.h.a.r.t.  "OH!  Here they are."  Use them.  Do not do a third unbearably painful test that is not necessary!  And what is her pain med list?  I could not believe it.  100 mg Gaba at night.  She was a patient twice in two months getting 200 mg every six hours and 300 mg at night with 650 Tylenol between doses!  Who changed them?  No one.  They never checked her CC chart.  I CAN SEE THEM ONLINE!!!  She is crying and sobbing, unable to walk, you were told of the recent procedure and can see the necrosis, swelling, and assumed 100 mg was enough without checking her file?   They looked at the nursing home file of every two hour OXY load, stopped it abruptly, and subbed one 100 mg. Gaba.  I am typing this over and over until I can actually believe it.  I requested the doctor to call today.  That f word won't be held back much longer.  This isn't the first time.  I can see every test, result, admission and discharge, notes, and recommendations so why the hell can't the staff in charge of patients?  Technology!!  It's all there in one place under one patient number.  No one looks.  But my PA state would certainly know if I got a script for Ativan because sure, that's more important.   

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Unexpected

 Carole woke unable to speak, confused, delusional, and for the fourth time in three months needing blood.  Lower than ever, sent to ER.  My local hospital no longer has a gastro doctor (she was scoped there two months ago), and she would be sent to another hospital.  Where?  Another facility that is unfamiliar with her conditions? I can't tell you how many times I have recited the last six years and recent issues, completely baffled why it's necessary in this age of technology.  After all these months, we thought the unexpected had worn itself out, but it seems to be gaining strength while we're losing ours.  Tonight she was pathetic and frail, wanting me there all the time, not understanding why I can't be, asking what will happen, why is she alone, where are they taking her, will I come with her, and the fear and tears in those wild eyes can create guilt that tops stress. 

Missing the Clinic appointments tomorrow, the only hope for an end to this nightmare, and would need to wait another five weeks.  That's it.  SEND HER TO CLEVELAND G-DAMMIT.  ENOUGH!  Almost four months of agony while you people f around.  No openings.  Again.  So a satellite hospital in Cleveland is where she is headed at 11pm tonight.  She is panicked, unable to explain or comprehend, alone, no one to comfort her, explain the nightmare, the positional pain.  No hotels that I could stay at without requiring a car, I can't drive while adding eye drops every 15 minutes.  So Mark will have to stay with me and chauffer to and from since he is not permitted in the hospital, missing his golf league again and Nitzy will have to stop treatment.  I am so hoping this is only until a room opens on Euclid, she is familiar with the nurses and doctors there.

Tomorrow morning we will drive to the last facility and retrieve her belongings.  The last before her 40 minute ride to the ER, and almost two hour ride to the new hospital.  The transfer to and from vehicles and stretcher to bed and back are unbearably painful.  I hope to find out more tomorrow, will be difficult since she is unaware.  She is about to give up.  And I hope the two elderly women brought to the ER that were sneezing, do not test positive.

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