Resilience

My favorite Blue Angel hostas can handle a deluge and have it disperse to small beads beautifully reflecting light, not entering the leaf to weaken it, pull it down, bend its supporting stem.  This morning after the storm, protected and unaffected by the water, I feel saturated to my core, my legs soggy, my insides limp.  Not from hours of tears that I cannot produce, but the emotion that causes them.

The phone calls yesterday were continuous, and with hospital delirium the worst anyone has experienced, extremely unnerving.  I actually hung up on her twice, she was threatening me and sounded like Linda Blair in the Exorcist.  Really.  A half hour later she was crying asking for help because she is alone and doesn't know what's happening.  All during the night unable to handle the pain and afraid to sleep because of the visions.  Thank you medical profession for realizing that patients needing help to handle their own situational anxiety and prevent stress related damage, are not worth a few .5 Ativan a week.  Thank you for assuming that being responsible my entire life will create an addict on a minute dose during those extremely upsetting days, or allow me to get a few hours of rest.  Fifteen pills in 60 days, and I can't get a refill.  

She is not being transferred to the main campus on Euclid, they will release her with another damaging move back to a nursing home and make an appointment to see another doctor in a month.  She had this ambulance transport move five times in four days, five different buildings, five different rooms.  Two can bring on this type of delirium in elderly patients.  It doesn't matter how many times you ask, beg, demand, explain that she is there, treat the leg, END THIS, don't make her wait another month in agony.  If you can't, say so. How Carole at 82 has held up with this bedridden agony for almost four months is astonishing.  And those months have continued destroying tissue and nerves, probably resulting in amputation that would not have been necessary if treated before advancing.  Not to mention the enormous inflammation and stress on a very weak heart. I am at my end.

*****

Just had another call, spoke with the nurse.  Are you f-ing kidding me?  I faxed the leg testing that CLEVELAND ordered to be done here, full results and diagrams, they were in her chart.  Today they planned on pressure cuffing and pressing the probe on those damaged legs again!  I asked why the test results CC ordered here were not being used.  "What tests?"  Look at her c.h.a.r.t.  "OH!  Here they are."  Use them.  Do not do a third unbearably painful test that is not necessary!  And what is her pain med list?  I could not believe it.  100 mg Gaba at night.  She was a patient twice in two months getting 200 mg every six hours and 300 mg at night with 650 Tylenol between doses!  Who changed them?  No one.  They never checked her CC chart.  I CAN SEE THEM ONLINE!!!  She is crying and sobbing, unable to walk, you were told of the recent procedure and can see the necrosis, swelling, and assumed 100 mg was enough without checking her file?   They looked at the nursing home file of every two hour OXY load, stopped it abruptly, and subbed one 100 mg. Gaba.  I am typing this over and over until I can actually believe it.  I requested the doctor to call today.  That f word won't be held back much longer.  This isn't the first time.  I can see every test, result, admission and discharge, notes, and recommendations so why the hell can't the staff in charge of patients?  Technology!!  It's all there in one place under one patient number.  No one looks.  But my PA state would certainly know if I got a script for Ativan because sure, that's more important.   

**********************