Carole came home in December to what was her house, now her son's (Chris), after being gone for two years. Early July, Chris's son (Matt) left his SO of ten years when she refused to agree to counseling and moved in to the house. The court was for full custody of their two kids who do not want to live with mom. The 8 and 9 year olds also now live in the house every other week, soon to be full time since mom failed to follow court ordered counseling. Matt's dear friend from work passed away suddenly from an aneurysm, her husband decided to take her new pup to the shelter which was devastating to their kids. Matt knew how she and her kids loved that pup and adopted it so the kids would know she had a good home. That "pup" is a Great Dane, now eleven months old, and very hard to manage when she is in play mode. Then Matt is introduced to Tracy, who is now staying at the house and has been helping Carole since she arrived home. She left her job to be hired through an agency as her caregiver. Chris is type 1 diabetic, ADHD, very high strung, stressed. Matt is as messy as can be, unless you count Tracy in. The two youngsters are like their dad. Maybe it's selfish, but none of us thought Carole coming home with her needs and adding to this scenario was a good idea at this time.
So in addition to Carole, there is Chris, Matt, Tracy, Sophia. Matt 2, and Harley the Dane occupying a three bedroom cape with a one car garage. The house is packed full from attic to basement with Carole's "treasures", Chris's crap, Matt's junk, kid's clothes, more toys than Walmart, a massive dog crate, huge motorized chair, manual wheelchair, disability aids, and a sampling of all strewn throughout. It's difficult to take a meal, leftovers, or even a treat to one person when five others are there. No, they don't expect anything and are also contributing to her needs, but it's uncomfortable for me. They all pitch in, continually ask what they can do for her, personalities are thankfully not an issue.
I can't take clutter, disorder, deafening noise, racket from three conversations, kid's screaming (one is autistic), a barking dog that can knock me down, not having a place to park, not having empty counter space to set something, on top of trying to deal with needs no one can fill for a sister slapped in the face with reality. Not only of her condition, but her home's also. Yes, they've been told, are driving Chris nuts, are as nice and sweet as can be, but more work is needed. When you have lived without order, you don't recognize it since it becomes the norm. Matt does not make enough for an apartment (most here are drug infested and unsafe), and Chris wants his grandkids in his home, they don't need more changes right now. Both men working shifts and with Tracy, someone is always available to be with the kids, very important. Now that I am done with health crap and ready to start the dental, I will be the toothless bitch with crooked fingers and enforcer of new rules. Any bets?
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12 comments:
I got a twitch reading that many people in a 3-bedroom...plus big dog...plus filled with things...plus several cars. That's enough for at least a 4 bedroom house, 5 when the kids can't/shouldn't share a room. But at least no personality conflicts. I guess when you've been living like that, it does become normal as you say.
No wonder no one thought Carole's return was a good idea.
No wonder Carole is having a hard time, I'm not just referring to the home care woes situation either. Even for her, it must be hard to go from mostly peaceful roomy space to her crowded noisy home.
No wonder you don't like spending much time there if you can avoid it.
No wonder you are so thankful Tracy has taken on the task of Carole's caregiver.
At least it's not nefarious financial/legal/control plots being hatched by Carole's family like I was fearing?
I hope your dental work goes well.
Sounds like the plot of a bad movie, or maybe a comedy series, although I bet there isn't anything funny about it in reality. I hope you can lose yourself in some stitching, Marly. Cross stitch is my go-to place when I need to get myself centered and to feel like I'm in control of things. Hope you can find some resolution regarding your health issues. Breathe, Marly, just breathe. With much affection from central Kentucky. -sandy
Background "noise"?? Heck...sounds more like mind-blowing cacophony to me. And I am truly amazed there are no personality conflicts. Yikes...it seems I can't have 1 person in the house without a personality conflict. 🙈 It truly is unfortunate since change will be near on impossible if they have never known order and the peace it can bring. It also has to make you not want to spend any more time than you have to there which is sad for Carole...and you. I'd choose my battles carefully...and start with the Great Dane. You know I'm a huge animal lover, but that is too much dog for the situation and Harley can have a good home somewhere else too...and cutting the cord now before the bonds grow even stronger would be advisable. Sorry for the unsolicited and likely unwarranted and unwanted advice...just wanting to help a friend. ~Robin~
Oh my goodness...no wonder Carole's remaining in that secure environment was your determined hope. This situation cannot benefit her,even though
she feels it is home...not really.The house population should be reduced and Carole made the focus, with a family member and a caregiver in place. I don't know how that can be accomplished, but anything more complicated than that is not conducive to well being. So sorry, Marly that you have to deal with this development despite all your amazing effort to lovingly accommodate Carole's wishes. Nonetheless, we are talking about adults who should do all possible to cooperate with you to resolve the situation. I do hope so...you deserve that consideration.
Continued prayers.
With all due respect, why do you get to be the enforcer of rules? It's Carole's house, Carole's son/grandson and they should decide how they want to live. You said everyone is pitching in and there are no personality issues so what's the problem? They're taking care of her the best way they know how. The way I see it she wants to be there, no one is forcing her to be, so let her family take care of her. Maybe she's happy with the chaos and noise. Some people like it like that. You might not, but you don't have to live there.
Marly I can understand your feelings when you are with Carole in her home with all that noise and so many people living there.
Happily you are not living there-- it's her home.
Can Carole deal with the situation with so many people living there and the noise??? That's very important to know....
When she is happy with it-- just let it go how you are feeling with how she is living there in het home.
I do understand your feelings about all the clutter-- it's not healthy to live with so much stuff and a big dog in such a small house. Tell them that you are not happy with the big dog for you are afraid of the health of Carole.
But try to be happy with the help of the friend of Mark so you can care for yourself with your own health issues.
You did so much for Carole and you always was there for her when she needed you, but now is the time there to take care of yourself.
It hurts I think, that you are no longer her first heling hand she is calling for help and someone else has taken over....I can understand that.
But please, try to let it go and think of yourself and Mark too.
Take care and I hope you understand my unwanted advice.
A big hug for you and sending love and prayers, Truus from Holland
I'm with Truus....its Carol's home, she's an adult, and she gets to decide if she can live like that. You need to take a deep breath and walk away. Let her boys take care of her now so her last years are spent with those kids she loves so much. Sometimes that love trumps common sense.
Oh my Marly: What a tizzy this is, how well do you think it will last?
Poor Carole, I feel so sorry for you and her, I hope Chris does not fly the coop with all that is going on.
You seem to always give me a giggle, I am also not a fan of noise and chaos, I hope your dental problems end soon, it's a mess having to wait for appointments, I have on that has been cancelled twice, not by my choice because of Mikes illness and surgeries.
He had his leg vein opened on Thursday, he is doing good and walking kind of normal for once.
Have a great weekend, it's very cold here a warm up today finally.
Catherine
Oh dear God. That sounds like the Cape Cod house from hell. I could not stand the chaos nor that many people in my house. How is Carole handling it? She does not need this in her life...nor do you.!!!
Maybe Carol is okay with chaos and clutter if it means she's got her beloveds right with her.
The only thing I can think of that might be worth getting involved is to see about getting that dog trained. Nobody likes an untrained dog, not family, neighbors, passers-by, the poor vet techs that have to deal with terrors like that. There are videos online; books for free from the library. Heck, a family activity like that might be good for the kids to be involved with.
I would say take care of yourself and let Carole's needs be taken care of by her son and grandson. Despite Matt's messiness, it appears he is level headed and compassionate. He is intelligently left his SO so that his children could have a good life. I know you have been intimately involved, but it may be time to step back and concentrate on your own health and life. Hugs.
I don't want to offend in any way by offering unsolicited advice, but like you, I don't tolerate clutter and chaos very well. Prior to retirement, I think I was much more flexible. That said, this is a situation you cannot control. Since you have been the lead administrator for all of Carole's issues for so long I am sure it is so hard to witness this situation. However, if they are good to her and she has accepted the current situation, it may be time to alter your role in the events of this family. Step back a bit, not away. You need to embrace self-care. Let the direct caregivers take the lead while you observe from afar. Advice is always important, whether they accept it or not is their prerogative. I agree with what was already stated, get the poor dog some professional training. It will be good for the dog and good for the family. My thoughts and blessings are with you. Life can be pretty crappy. Buy yourself a new pair of shoes to step through the detritus.
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