And then again ...

We were told today's cath was cancelled by her doctor.  Why?

So as I'm speaking with him on the phone for an answer, he states he did not cancel it, split second, she's gone.

She had a heart attack when we turned our back to make the call.

And they bring her back after working for 20+ minutes.  So she is masked on bi-pap, aware at times, and we wait.  Afraid to leave, afraid to stay.  

If you want to keep taking all your meds, you get home health.  If you relinquish medications and opt for palliative only, you get hospice.  You cannot stay on your meds while under hospice care because the expectation is to pass peacefully, not to maintain or improve your health.

If her time is so short, I am almost sorry they didn't allow her unaware and peaceful exit to the other side.  Her living will does not state DNR, but we have that in place now, she would not survive another.  She is terrified, aware of her end coming.  Unable to hug, watching tears roll on faces.  Asking for help with a whisper through the mask, wet with her tears.

We don't know what tonight and tomorrow will bring.

*****************

And then

 Hospice.

One cardiologist says covid destroyed the heart muscle.

Another stood in her room and told us he feels meds will take time but certainly improve her condition.

Another said 99% certainty a blockage is the cause and can be resolved.

And her PCP of decades told her at 5am she will die soon. Sending you home.

********************

Sit still

 Since I've only had a total of six hours sleep in three nights, you would think I could sit without a thing moving but a nodding head.  But I can't settle.

Another cardiologist is waiting to see how Carole can handle removal of the diuretics.  Again.  Without chest pain and other symptoms, he doesn't feel a cath right now exploring for a blockage is warranted, contrary to his partner. We can do it later if need be, but his opinion is the dehydration and covid caused this and once fluid load is lessened, her heart may return to its strength over time.  I disagree.  That fluid was originally caused by the failing heart.  What else?  Once the lasix is stopped, she will start bloating again, continuing the strain.  But Carole does not want to have it done now, is terrified with a bad feeling.  So she is still in ICU on drips and will remain another day or so, we will see.  There is improvement, but she is still scared, shaky, at times confused, and not having anything but Ensure.  No appetite at all, all of these are symptoms of right side heart failure.  And she is still testing positive ..... where will she go?

 Thank you again. Will keep updating.

Here is what I've started.  Well, the two that haven't been discarded.

Both 36, I didn't like single thread coverage but preferred the lighter linen.  I even ran a black thread horizontally beneath the stitches that filled it nicely on the few top rows.  Too much work.

The darker linen background offers a look of better coverage. Bingo.

As for Jolly Jack, no dmc conversion and I thought the bright green would be good in the border rather than the color similar to Jack.  As bright as it is, not good on Murky.  Will try a rusty color I guess.

And one more thing.

Does anyone else eat French Onion chip dip with a spoon?  

No chips?

******************************

Waiting

 Thank you for the kind and caring comments.  Hospice needs to be ordered by her doctor for palliative care and meds coverage.  Her PCP is not giving up.  In fact, the latest cardio doc feels there is only one reason for efficiency of 40% to quickly fall to 10%.  Blockage is her diagnosis.  The meds are not doing their job, they overloaded her to rid the fluid which in turn caused kidney failure.  I explained again, she was released the first time totally and obviously bloated, but they couldn't see this?  On Monday, a right heart cath will be done in search of a piece of plaque causing the problem.  I think she makes sense.  Carole is terrified.  As much of a risk (at 10%), and it is great, it has to be done.  

I though I would relax a little this afternoon but the house residents have not been there and won't be again today.  She needs helps to eat and lays a guilt trip on me for not being there constantly.  I cannot breathe with that n95 mask and my Sjogren's has been flared for two weeks,  My lips are bleeding from fissures.  But it is what it is.

I need to hold my dried out tongue which is so very difficult after checking her financials, making sure the bills are paid on time.  Her card has been used while hospitalized so I investigated and found charges that they assumed would not be noticed.  This is on top of the destruction of her furnishings by the Dane that doesn't bother them one bit.  But it goes with the pig sty they created.  Mark said I am going to have a major health crisis if I can't let this go.  Why can't I?

This is what I'm taking today and hopefully will attempt to work on.  I have to remove the mask to do so but can't handle it for long anyway.

It's been beautiful here, warm and sunny for over a week.  

So they tell me.

Enjoy your weekend.

**********************

Continuation

It started Tuesday, Wednesday back in hospital, today back in ICU.  Did covid attack her weak heart, was it lack of meds, or was it a coincidence that her heart is functioning at 10% and filling her with fluid?  The cardio doc said to her "do you realize your prognosis is very poor?".  Kidneys can't survive the meds needed to move that fluid, heart can't survive struggling to remove it.  Nursing facilities will not accept her at discharge as she tests positive (you can for 90 days), even though not contagious.  No where to go.

I stitched this during the first crisis. 

 Emma Rone from MommalovesyouGB.

PTP Vellum 40 count with dmc charted colors except for Ecru changed to 648.  Size of 6" wide x 3.5".

I can finish with the top closure, 

or fold in a flap style pouch with a ribbon to secure.

I take small PS halloween projects with me to the hospital, can't see over the masks.  Hard to concentrate anyway with nauseous anxiety.  Nothing started, just carried daily.

I have not been online much, hope everyone is fine.

That's all.

Be well.

******************

The middle of September

And Carole was released from ICU on Friday the 13th, with no empty beds in the medical units.  So they had to send her home Saturday.  Covid is once again, filling the hospitals.  She couldn't even hold a pen to sign her name, so weak.  We did not expect her to survive.  

Her doctor whom Mark spoke with this morning, also did not anticipate survival.  And his orders at discharge to stop all meds will be ignored tomorrow.  He refused to rescind stating he will discuss that with her when she comes in, no explanation offered to us, or her.  Home health is monitoring, she's been home four days!  And how long does he think she will last with no glucose control, heart failure drugs, diuretic, along with nine others?  Tomorrow home health will be asked to call her doctor for verification of this and entered in their records.  And then, family and nurse will discuss return to her usual routine and dosage, none changed or added from what she took before covid or during hospitalization.  I am attempting to remain calm.  It ain't fricking happening.   

I stitched a little sampler.  Adorable little sampler.  Will show you tomorrow after health report.  We are cautiously optimistic for her recovery to continue. 

Thanks for the prayers and well wishes.  She needed them badly, still does.

Her doctor may need a good athletic cup. 

*****************