Waiting

 Today, at some point, they are inserting Chris into surgery schedule.  ER again and again, finally an answer yesterday from testing that should have been done the first visit, he was admitted several days ago.  Should be a routine surgery.  The friend I lost last year had same symptoms, same negative tests, until that same routine surgery revealed an untreatable and rare cancer.  Remote as it is, we can't stop the anxiety.

Honestly, losing her has not sunk in just yet, but I have not slept more than two hours a night since.

Stitching?  Could care less.  I finished the PS ornaments, and picked up Anne Hughs 1852 again.  Too many errors and corrections, not interested in a project so involved.  May stop at this point.

No emails, blogs, social media have been read.  I did view two floss tubes and entered one's giveaway.  Hope everyone is doing well, my heart breaks seeing Helene's destruction.

Be safe.  Be well.

Thank you.

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Thank you

 Your comments and notes meant so much to me.

I can still hear her pleas for help, which makes our loss even more heartbreaking.  Through all the pain and prior surgeries, near death crises, we never saw this despair.

  She would have been pleased with the compliments and response to her obituary, self-written several years ago.  Certainly not typical and reflected her personality.

Sophia (9), her great grand, touched our hearts when she knelt on the ground in her good dress, and with bare hands started covering Carole's urn with dirt until the pile was gone.

We all knew that Carole's pink polka dot robe was her absolute favorite, worn and washed for many years.  From it, I made a child size pillow for Sophia, and attached one of the pockets to the front which holds her hanky.  Another small square pillow with pocket will stay with me.

Again, your thoughtful words were a comfort and I am grateful for every one.

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Shattered

 

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And then again ...

We were told today's cath was cancelled by her doctor.  Why?

So as I'm speaking with him on the phone for an answer, he states he did not cancel it, split second, she's gone.

She had a heart attack when we turned our back to make the call.

And they bring her back after working for 20+ minutes.  So she is masked on bi-pap, aware at times, and we wait.  Afraid to leave, afraid to stay.  

If you want to keep taking all your meds, you get home health.  If you relinquish medications and opt for palliative only, you get hospice.  You cannot stay on your meds while under hospice care because the expectation is to pass peacefully, not to maintain or improve your health.

If her time is so short, I am almost sorry they didn't allow her unaware and peaceful exit to the other side.  Her living will does not state DNR, but we have that in place now, she would not survive another.  She is terrified, aware of her end coming.  Unable to hug, watching tears roll on faces.  Asking for help with a whisper through the mask, wet with her tears.

We don't know what tonight and tomorrow will bring.

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And then

 Hospice.

One cardiologist says covid destroyed the heart muscle.

Another stood in her room and told us he feels meds will take time but certainly improve her condition.

Another said 99% certainty a blockage is the cause and can be resolved.

And her PCP of decades told her at 5am she will die soon. Sending you home.

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Sit still

 Since I've only had a total of six hours sleep in three nights, you would think I could sit without a thing moving but a nodding head.  But I can't settle.

Another cardiologist is waiting to see how Carole can handle removal of the diuretics.  Again.  Without chest pain and other symptoms, he doesn't feel a cath right now exploring for a blockage is warranted, contrary to his partner. We can do it later if need be, but his opinion is the dehydration and covid caused this and once fluid load is lessened, her heart may return to its strength over time.  I disagree.  That fluid was originally caused by the failing heart.  What else?  Once the lasix is stopped, she will start bloating again, continuing the strain.  But Carole does not want to have it done now, is terrified with a bad feeling.  So she is still in ICU on drips and will remain another day or so, we will see.  There is improvement, but she is still scared, shaky, at times confused, and not having anything but Ensure.  No appetite at all, all of these are symptoms of right side heart failure.  And she is still testing positive ..... where will she go?

 Thank you again. Will keep updating.

Here is what I've started.  Well, the two that haven't been discarded.

Both 36, I didn't like single thread coverage but preferred the lighter linen.  I even ran a black thread horizontally beneath the stitches that filled it nicely on the few top rows.  Too much work.

The darker linen background offers a look of better coverage. Bingo.

As for Jolly Jack, no dmc conversion and I thought the bright green would be good in the border rather than the color similar to Jack.  As bright as it is, not good on Murky.  Will try a rusty color I guess.

And one more thing.

Does anyone else eat French Onion chip dip with a spoon?  

No chips?

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